Maybe Once but Never Really
by PixieGirl17
Summary: An Effie one-shot where she bumps into Ivan before he dies at the funeral parlour IvanXEffie


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Being Human

**Maybe Once but Never Really**

For **MyLittleStorys**

_Bristol, UK 2010_

She was getting so bloody tired of it all. When people told you it was such a glorious thing to be a Vampire Queen, they forgot to tell you how tedious the people who were trying to curry favour from you could be. It had always been like that with monarchs and to be frank, she should have expected such things. Although the problem was that she decided to go along with being the new Vampire Queen of London only because she felt like she was doing some civil duty or something like that. In her own way she was trying to take the moral high ground above those of her own kind. The place where everyone else was afraid to go merely because it required effort on a day to day basis. She looked around at the other vampires at the time who could possibly be offered the job and she knew she would be a fool to turn it down. Not for her sake, but for the sake of humanity and those of her kind. It was still in the period when the hedonistic lifestyle of a vampire was still fashionable. Yet she was beginning to wonder whether that was ever going to lose its appeal. Probably not. Still, she could only ever hope. She could be very rightly called a fool for believing it but she could at least say that she had principles. Not a lot of vampires could say that. She decided to ditch the city for a while so she told Vera and Aoife that she would be gone for a while and to send word if there was anything she needed to come back for urgently. They asked no questions about it and off she went to the one place which she knew she would see old friends and perhaps get a little peace for a few days, despite the current events (of the vampire world).

Last she heard Bristol had become the hotspot for people looking for a little excitement. Though she was only here just to see some old friends rather than getting on the action. Effie walked down the quiet street with the night sky cloaking over her like an old blanket you would have your mother wrap around your shoulders when you were a child. If she was human she would be looking around wearily, fearing what could emerge from the darkness. She smirked to herself knowing that there was nothing to fear. She was what should be feared. There was almost nothing which could touch her now. Despite her vast amount of powers and the fact that she was over a hundred and fifty years old didn't mean that she was invincible. It just meant that she was a little bit more powerful than the average newborn. If anything, the night calmed her. It was her home. It was strange to know now that her home was no longer a place but a time. The day was when the humans reigned. Even though vampires could venture out into the world during the day but they were really only at the their best during the night. She was only going to stay in Bristol for a little while. She was only visiting out of curiosity. When she heard about Mitchell being the new King and of the stories...Well who could keep away? When she looked up she saw someone standing in the middle of the road. Almost as if he was waiting for her. She squinted her eyes to see who it was. A smile crawled across her lips when she realised who it was and she quickened her pace before he would disappear completely.

"Hey you."

The man stirred for a moment from star-gazing and considering looking around. She pictured a frown on his face because not only could he not smell the human blood but the voice would sound familiar to him. He would wait a moment and try to remember who it was before turning around to see if he was right. Ivan glanced over his shoulder and blinked. Was he surprised to see her here? Was her it he thought he heard or did he think she was someone else? Was he glad to be either right or wrong? She could never really tell with Ivan, he was always good with hiding his true feelings from even the most watchful eyes. She wasn't sure but then again for all the time she had known Ivan she knew that he was never surprised by anything. Well, never completely anyway. She was sure that he had heard at some point that she was here or in the area. She was sure that it even crossed his mind to visit her at some point, in spite of how they parted when they last saw each other, they were still good friends. She was sure of that. He had been around for so long everything had become predictable to him.

"Little Effie." He purred.

She had to admit she always felt somewhat valued and loved when he referred to her as 'Little Effie'. Even though she made him think that she hated the name, she actually liked the fact that he cared about her enough to give her an endearing nickname. Although, it sounded like he was making her out to be a little cuddly toy, which she had to admit could be endearing to the point of possibly being ridiculed. However since this was something coming from Ivan she knew it was anything but ridicule. It was more of a play on the fact they seemed like father and daughter in terms of their relationship to one another. Sometimes it felt like, sometimes it felt like something else. Something she wasn't supposed to acknowledge, it would like a betrayal if she gave into this strange feeling. She had been able to as well, very well she might add. So far, if it went on for any longer she feared something bad might happen. He was always the one who cared about her welfare rather than how desirable she was.

For most vampires who would have met one another under the same circumstances as she and Ivan would have probably become husband and wife. But she had Alexis and Ivan, at the time saw her as a mere child who was starting out in the world as a new being. He should be protecting and guiding her, not bedding her. She was a lovesick teenager who was after the one who had got away but strangely enough was looking for her too. She was lucky in that respect. Daisy had it easy. Ivan hadn't walked away from her, in this respect Alexis had not only been cruel, he was also being reckless. Although now there was something which stirred within both of them. Something which was making them both reconsider their previous judgement. However Ivan still had Daisy.

She raised an eyebrow. "I'm hardly little, Ivan." She chided. "From the way I see it I seem to be taller than the average woman and some men as well actually."

"You know what I mean." He replied softly.

"What are you doing out here?"

"What most of us do, Effie. Think. We have all the time in the world to do all the thinking which the human mind would wish to accomplish but only vampires have the time to achieve that.

Unfortunately, our race are more concerned with actions rather than thoughts."

Her eyes shot in his direction so sharply it would seem like she had heard some predator approaching them. Although she had to admit this seemed like a predator of another nature. Some would think it would be a more deadly foe to face. When such thoughts entered ones mind it was very difficult to discard them. Most people would think only humans could be subjected to emotions and that vampires because they had such powerful impulses they could not even recognise any form of reason. She folded her arms and glanced at him slyly. That was something new coming from Ivan. She was beginning to fear it was something she wasn't going to like either. Perhaps he felt the same way that she did? She shuddered at the thought, not because she was disgusted by the idea of it but because she hated to think of what would happen afterwards. What about Daisy? What about Vera? Ian? She couldn't just think about herself.

She knew this would be something, if it was a possibility for him not to think about for long, since he would probably not give it a second thought as to whether it was something for him to consider. He loved Daisy. There was no doubt about it. She knew that with every glance, every smile and once long ago when they were friends she was glad he had found someone to love as much as she and Alexis loved one another. He was never one to dwell on such thoughts for too long. He had better things to think about other than that. She knew that he thought about these things from time to time. Just the things that not many people would consider. These thoughts could be infectious. The very activity of thinking was dangerous. She knew that now with her experience with Dr Lucy Taggart, or should she say Dr Faustus. But it was surprising to see him allowing them to visibly control him. She knew there was something wrong. She hadn't seen Ivan in a while and whenever that happened he would take her and Daisy out for dinner before he would get into the deep end. That was another thing Daisy wasn't here. The two had been attached to the hip since the day when she first met Daisy after he 'recruited her'. He only talked like this when there was something on his mind. She had to admit before she spent more time with Daisy but she was always closer to Ivan. In matters of the heart and the mind.

"What's wrong Ivan?" She asked gently.

"I was just thinking...wondering whether we really should be more responsible for our actions?"

She pressed her lips tightly together. "You know my thoughts on that matter, Ivan. You always did."

"It took you a while though, didn't it? Strange...At first you accepted, relished what you were and now every day is a struggle. Just like Mitchell..."

Memories of the tall, dark haired vampire began flooding back to her. She could remember the sound of his strong Irish accent reminding her of the strong but rich taste of good whisky which made your voice husky after a few sips. There would have been a time when she would have fallen in love with him but there was something...There was something which told her which was saying that it would be foolish. Also, he was more of a brother than a potential lover to Effie...As it turned out. It would be an act of betrayal against Alexis. She had never been able to love another being since his death. She wasn't sure she could...

She nodded. "Yes. To be honest I'm not that surprised at this behaviour."

"Oh yes I remember, you were working with him a few years ago on that case in London in the 60s."

"1960 to be exact."

"You never did catch that killer did you?" He mused. "I always did wonder why..."

He had a questionable look glinting in his eye which told her that there was something which she wasn't telling people. And he was right. She wasn't willing to tell him right now right in the open either. Even though she wasn't afraid of these dark nights but she knew she had to be careful what she said out of doors. She had no idea who could be overhearing her conversations. Then there was Ivan. She knew she could trust him but she was sure there were plenty of people who knew she was friends with him and if one day, if push came to shove they would find him and try to torture anything out of him. It was always best to keep these kinds of things to yourself. She felt herself shake all over but she wasn't making in visible to the vampire eye. She knew if Ivan was given any reason to know that his suspicions were hitting right in the eye she knew that she herself was going to have to expect to be interrogated. That was something which she kept from those she even loved and held close. She never told Carl. She didn't even Vera. She couldn't let anyone know. Well...There was at least one person who knew but she knew that he would never tell anyone about that one little act of mercy.

"Can't get all of them." She replied.

He frowned. "It was a human." He spat.

"Well then he must be dead." She retorted. "Therefore, there is nothing to worry about any more."

Ivan knew this was a moment to worry a little. She was never this cavalier about these sorts of things. She always hated to see that there was one who had got away. Especially from what he had seen.

"For all we know he could still be alive. It was only fifty years ago."

"Meaning?"

"That there is still a danger...In more ways than one." He replied staring at her attentively.

She smiled grimly knowing what he was saying was true. This was his way of showing concern but unfortunately it was made through the usual methods of tough love. Then again that would always go with Ivan's toughened exterior. He seemed like a heartless, cruel, cold individual. This was what he wanted people to think. The truth was far from it though. She could see that beneath all that there was someone who could be a an over-protective father, a caring brother, a loving husband. If anything he was more than capable of being a compassionate human being. Unfortunately, there was something stopping him, which happened to be another quality Effie admired in him. He was logical. He could see that it was logically impossible to be both a vampire and a sympathiser of humanity. Although as easy was it was to read him it was even more easier for Ivan to see through Effie. He knew she was hiding something now and he knew more than anybody that it was something that wasn't going to remain hidden for long. For vampires, it was impossible to hide anything due to the fact that they lived on, or kept of being present in this world for longer than secrets lasted. As vampires nothing stayed hidden forever...Or long enough for you to pass on without having to pay for those little skeletons in the closet.

She narrowed her eyes at him and smirked. "You seem...Strangely, concerned about my welfare, Ivan."

"I have always been concerned about your welfare, Effie. You of all people should know that I care about you."

She looked down at the ground gingerly and grinned. It had been a while since someone said something like that to her and actually meant it. It had been a while since she had allowed herself to give into such seductions. It was the haunting memory of Alexis which prevented her from allowing herself this little pleasure. She never even used the methods of seduction in order to drink the blood of a human being. She was sure there were many vampires out there who had known about her widowed status for a while and therefore was on the marker for eligible wives for bachelors vampires. She hated that more than anything. It almost felt like they were approaching her out of pity. So she was well aware of the fact that some of them were just saying it because of the face that she had been with such a prestigious vampire. She may have been out of the public life of the vampire community for a while but she wasn't that much of a hermit. Then Ivan did something which surprised her more than anything that evening.

He reached out and cupped her chin in the palm of his hand. It felt like there was electricity going through her veins. She was burning up in those places she could remember were there for a long time. She hadn't felt this way since...She hesitantly looked into Ivan's cold eyes which seemed anything but emotionless at that moment in time. At the same time he couldn't help but admire her appearance himself. Like good wine she had matured rather nicely over the years. Her eyes were almost black in the night but he could remember seeing them under a shade and they were like a warm, rich brown and in the sunlight they almost seemed amber. She couldn't believe she was doing this. Her reason was telling her to stop but there was something inside her telling her that she needed this. She deserved this. She had been abstaining herself from all of this for so long she had forgotten how wonderful it felt for someone to touch her like this. She had yearned for this for so long and she had hoped that because he was a good friend, it would make it less shameful, only it made her feel like an even bigger betrayer.

"If you had aged a few more years and maybe if you had left with me...I may have loved you."

The words and the sound of his voice made her visibly shake all over. She couldn't even recall the last time someone dared to talk to her like this. Whenever a fellow vampire or even a werewolf recognised her in the street they always picked up their pace a little or looked away as if she could shoot lasers out of her eyes. She smirked a little she had to admit, she got a kick out of it. It certainly kept people away from her which was rather useful for someone such as herself and had a little girl to look after. So to have someone say something as daring at that was rather refreshing. She kind of felt like one of those old widows who had lost their husbands after ten years and was beginning to actually understand why some people remarried when they originally thought that it was almost like cheating on them if they found someone else...Even when they were dead. It was his voice as well. His voice seemed to drift into the night. There was something in it which eerily reminded her of Alexis when he spoke. She was beginning to become afraid. There was something tell her that there was something not right about all this. She shouldn't be letting him say things like this to her. But then there was something else. There was something grave about his voice. Almost like he was saying goodbye. It was almost like the sound which made her think of a composers swan song.

"I know...It's funny. You were always a father to me...But then again Alexis always reminded me of a father on some occasions as well."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe you have an Electra Complex."

She chuckled. "Maybe."

For some reason she gently took hold of his blazer and brushed her lips against his. She had to admit if she had not gone after Alexis again...

"Take care, Darling." She whispered.

He nodded. "I will. The things that lie ahead. I will have to take a care."

"I'm not going to ask what you mean by that."

"Oh, Effie...You were always a curious one."

She cast her eyes to the ground as she considered this and nodded. "Maybe...Once."

~ (***) ~

It was strange because there was something which had told her before she was even told that something bad had happened. Something told her in heart the moment when she began to walk away that she was never going to see Ivan again after this night, after she would let that moment pass her by she was never going to see him again. There was something tugging at her heart, almost like a small child tugging at their parents arm when they wanted to get their attention that she should turn around and go back with Ivan. She didn't know why she didn't go back with Ivan. There was something about that small moment between the two of them which told her that perhaps he was the only one who could ever have been able to compete with Alexis. Or maybe there was no point in comparing men to Alexis. Maybe Ian was right, maybe it was time for her to move on...Effie was sitting crossed legged in the armchair when she heard the news. She was reading the newspaper as she always did when Ian came in and frowned. There was a look on his face which told her that there was something wrong. He never had a look like that on his face unless it was something serious. He wasn't as relaxed about serious matters as she was but he didn't panic about anything unless it was necessary. She was shaking all over when she knew before he even said anything that it was about Ivan.

"Just tell me what happened." She said shakily.

"There was an explosion." He panted. "I just found out. At the funeral parlour."

She looked down and felt her heart begin to thud in her chest. Everyone knew that was the headquarters for the vampires in the surrounding area. As clichéd and obvious as it was, but then again in this day and age maybe people would think it the last place for them to look. Unless they were incredibly stupid or incredibly smart...

"Were...Were there any survivors?" She asked quietly.

"Only Mitchell." He gulped.

She nodded. "No one else? Do you know...Do you know whether there was anyone we know that was there?"

"That Daisy friend of yours wasn't there. Her husband was."

The news hit her as if she had jumped off the top of the highest mountain in Scotland and when she collided with the earth beneath her. There was that sense of peace after falling through the air but then she realised within a matter of moments she was going to die. Acceptance sank in. Then there was guilt. She knew there was something she had done. This was yet again her other punishment. The first man she loved was also her murderer along with that of her family's. He died because of her betrayal against their memory being overcome by her lust and her unnecessary needed for companionship. Then Ivan died because she walked away. She was too loyal to Alexis' memory. She should have stayed with him. She nodded trying to look as if she was alright but she was shaking all over. She knew that Ian would be able to see straight through her now. She wasn't sure whether she was going to be able to hold it all back now. This was all too much for the course of a few hours. She had the terrible, horrible thought of wishing that it was her who had died in the explosion. She deserved it more than Ivan, but she knew the only reason why she wished it was Daisy was because then it would get her out of the way and she would be able to take her place. Love was selfish like that.

"Were you good friends with him?"

She knew she had to be very careful with how she was going to answer this question. She knew that if she gave Ian any reason to suspect that he was more of a friend it would then lead to an interrogation or a few weeks of 'special treatment'. Something which she didn't want.

She shrugged her shoulders. "I suppose...He was perhaps...There was at least a shred of goodness in him. It's not a lot for normal people...but we're not normal people are we, Ian?"

Ian gave her a look but she returned it with another which shot him straight down. She knew and he knew but still didn't want to admit to one fact which pretty much encircled the basis of their entire existence. Years ago it took Effie and Ian to finally admit to one another as well as themselves that they were never going to be normal people again. She sometime wondered what it would have been like for them to have died years ago and to have never known that the world was going to be like this one day. Sometimes she weighed out the pros and cons of both arguments realising there was no point because she was here now and there wasn't a thing she could do about that. Everything was had been was going to pass and all she had to do was prepare herself for the would be. She tried to by abstaining as much as she could which she was trying to do again but she knew she had to be more careful now. Then Ian tried by carrying out his revenge, knowing that it was really only out of denial that he was doing this. Normality was something which they had lost and they were allowed to miss, but they were to never disillusion themselves by thinking that it could be something reclaimed.

"No. I suppose its a lot to say for a vampire though." He said gravely. "Do you think we should move on?"

She had cast her eyes to the floor and nodded. "Yes. I think...I think I would like to stay a little longer though. Just until the dust settles a little."

He shook his head. "No."

She look at him feeling a little surprised. This was rather assertive for Ian. He was usually alright with following Effie's lead despite being older than her.

"Ian?"

"I know what you want to do. You want revenge but I've seen you change since then and it took more effort than anything you've had to work at. I'm not letting you do that again." He replied shakily.

She shook her head. "This isn't about revenge."

"You know it is." He replied firmly. "But let me tell you something, if Carl was here he would say the same thing and he would implore you to leave. Why don't we follow him to Brazil? Might be nice there. Please Effie."

She couldn't hold it back any more. She couldn't take any of this any more. She had lost Alexis and she had been offered another chance and she had walked away from it. Now Ivan was dead. She knew it was irrational to feel this way about something like this but she couldn't help but feel like she had to carry around a little bit of the guilt. There was something telling her that there was something more that she could have done. Or there was something that she shouldn't have done. She was always walking away in the opposite direction. She was letting people go because of one single reason. She was afraid of being human. She found it easier for her to accept the monstrous side of her because she was easier to give in to the darker sides of your nature rather than do the moral thing. Since that usually required you to either give up something you want or something you hold dear. The right thing is always the hard choice. She had to spend almost a century having to work that out and the hard way as well. She was still learning it over and over again until she would finally realise that sometimes you had to stop being afraid of yourself. A tear managed to escape from her eye and rolled down her cheek. She lifted her hand to her face trying to catch but it got away. Ian stepped forward and wrapped an arm around her.

"Was he a good friend of yours?"

She nodded silently.

"Was he more than a good friend, Effie."

She nodded again but then stopped and then shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe once...Maybe once we could have been...But it was never really going to happen."


End file.
